I hate summers even though I look forward to them for 9 months. I never realized why I was so excited for them only to hate those 3 months and not do any of those things I wanted to do.

I never knew why, because I didn’t like school that much either. So does that mean I just hate the whole year? Well, it’s not that dreary.

Long story short, I have no purpose during the summer.
I don’t like school because (who does) it’s barely aligned with who I am and what I want to do in life.

The point is that even though I dislike school, the purpose it gives me still makes it better than empty summers. School can be hard, challenging, there are exams and projects, deadlines and early mornings.

It’s tempting to think that I’m a masochist when in reality, working towards a goal, even if I didn’t choose it, brings true fulfillment. 

Nothing is sadder than wasted potential. If there is an outlet by which creativity, problem solving, critical thinking (and more), can cooperate to create something new, or to solve a problem or reach a goal, only then a certain sweetness is felt. Even if it’s a little bitter.

Like going to sleep tired, or feeling breathless after a workout. Or getting that newsletter out after editing ;)

Feedback & Progress Are Your Fuel.

It’s important to have feedback and feel like you’re making progress. 

At the beginning of anything, we find ourselves in beginner’s hell. Alone.
But if you’re in hell, why would you want to stop and by that stay there?

Beginner’s hell is a void, whether you’re whispering or shouting, no one hears you.

Feedback can be intrinsic, if you’re better than a past version of you, then it’s motive to keep going, no matter how slowly you might be moving.

It’s in feeling like what we do and say matters, like we matter that we can find the strength to keep going. And if at first, it only matters to you, then that’s more than good enough.

Wanting To Run Away & Leave It All Behind.

Wanting to run away,  this feeling that you’re meant for more; hold on to it. The dark times show you what the light means for you, what you’re meant to do and what you’re aligned with. 

If you feel like you’re meant for more, hold on to this feeling and don’t let go of it. If you’re desperate to run away, to almost climb out of your skin, the days are dreary, numb and empty, I promise you’ll get to where you’re going, even if it currently feels like you’re running in place.

For 3 years I’ve felt a haunting need for a change, but it never came. I was stuck and lost, but I kept going, slower than most would think, but still trying to find that purpose and alignment I’ve been missing.

Because wanting to leave is a sign you’re in the wrong place, there’s something more you, waiting for you.

Notes On Rock Bottom.

If you’ve hit rock bottom, it’s only getting up from there. That’s where things start to get better, because there’s no more ‘down’ anyway. It’s okay to hide your failures, it’s okay to feel shame over them because you will rise above them one day, you feel shame because you know you’re meant for more.

My rock bottom, as you might have guessed, lasted 3 years. And though that seems like a very long time, (and it was) on the other side things get clearer, and you understand why certain things needed to happen, though not all. Sometimes you never get closure, and that’s okay too.

To my younger self, you’re doing much better than you think, I’m proud of you even if you’re not. Things were hard and you were so stuck and lost in a way I see clearly now. But for every illness there’s a remedy, and for every hell, there’s a heaven.

💖 Let’s connect!

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📝 Author’s Note

Nothing beats the relief I feel when I finish writing a newsletter, even if I’m not proud of it. And nothing feels worse than procrastinating it.

Purpose is everything in life. It’s what brings out the best in us. Otherwise what is there to do in this transitory world?

Leila,