Like a phoenix, always rising from the ashes, mending all the gashes.
A death has rebirth in tow, even if dealt the final blow.

We all have something that we want to kill inside of us, something that has been haunting us from the past, something that we want to escape. 

For me, and many other people I presume, it's mainly the fear of living the same life as our parents and grandparents before that, the deep desire to escape everything related to anything like their life. To perhaps, spend a lifetime in a van with a partner and a dog, to pursue an artistic and creative career instead of something usual, to defy all odds, to break out from the walls of a limiting box called life. Though sadly, very few people seem to do this, and the present pays the price, as well as the future.

Though the past is dead and none of it can be brought back, almost everyone has this magical ability to bring it back to life, the past kills the present and stains the future, no one wins. Past traumas, memories, words that have been said, all follow along into the present, building up into an enormous wall that stands as an obstacle to a prosperous future.

The constant feeling of wanting to run away.

My whole life I’ve wanted to run away, all my fantasies centered around being swept away, waking up in a new place, leaving everything behind in the middle of the night, long drives to nowhere in particular, knowing I won’t be back, leaving without saying goodbye.

I’ve always been grateful but I didn’t like my life, I didn’t like the people and everything that had to do with them, I hated the place, the norms, everything was stifling.

Constantly wanting to run away is being in purgatory, between life and death. Surviving, existing, never living. Not being alive but not being dead either.

Only in the pursuit of a lofty goal can a racing heart calm itself, and only then will meaning surface amongst the chaos. Wanting to run is really searching for something your soul desires. And if you’re running with no direction, you’re running in place. You’re everywhere and nowhere, your energy is spent and your soul is yearning.

If you stop for a second and listen to your heart which is always speaking to you and that already has all the answers, waiting for you to pay attention. You might be surprised what you’ll find.

The desire for improvement, wishing for change.

Sometimes we’re born in a world too small for us, we’re kept in a cage where even our wings can’t spread.

There should be joy and pride in seeking to be better, there should exist no shame in wanting to be different, in having what no one you know ever had.

But then again, to have what no one ever had, you have to do what no one ever did.

But rest assured that whatever you want is out there, and someone out there does have it. Rest assured in knowing you’ll get there, it’s moving towards you just as you’re moving towards it. And upon meeting in the middle, you’ll be glad you started and kept going. You might even wish for more failures because the lessons were woven for your unique story.

There is fear in being different, in standing out, in having all eyes on you, in feeling like you don’t belong. But birth in one place doesn’t imply death in it. We’re not meant to remain rooted. We might not have wings but we don’t have roots either.

Knowing that you’re meant for more is an unshakable feeling. You can run away all you want, but the whispers of a heart cannot be quieted. You can spend a lifetime ignoring it, and the ghost of a dream will still haunt you.

If you know you’re not where you want to be, being who you’re meant to be and doing what you want, your heart will never know peace. Your mind will be louder, arguing and speaking in a tongue your heart doesn’t understand. And though the whispers may get quieter, they will never be truly gone. Even old and gray, dreams never die.

How to make the past work for us.

The past killed the present and stained the future. But only if you hand it a loaded gun, only if you let it have power over you. Otherwise it holds no weight, and poses no threat.

The past is a hallucination that feels all too real, a mind’s creative tricks playing in the dark. All gone in a second if you turn on the lights.

The past’s purpose is to serve as a reminder, a lesson to carry with you, and a thought to keep in mind. Otherwise, it’s a burden on the present and an obstacle to the future.

Tempted to think of past experiences and failures as a bad omen to future endeavors, worried that history might repeat itself. 
When in reality, the past is a stepping stone. When armed with bad experiences, it’s irrational to think they’ll repeat themselves, because each time brings something new, especially if you pay attention.

At first you know nothing, then you make a beginner’s mistake that you don’t repeat the second time, instead you make an entirely new mistake. And this arsenal of mistakes is incredibly valuable because it eases the way.

The more you travel along a rocky road, the more it flattens and straightens.

Mental resistance causes so much of people’s paralysis. When thinking of the past as a haunting ghost, it does just that; haunt you. But all it takes is 20 seconds of courage to flip on the switch.

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📝 Author’s Note

Even if you feel like you don’t belong, you’ll find your home one day. Because I realized a home is a place, person or a state of being in which you feel like you can finally stop running. Also, I think the present becomes worthwhile when there’s a beautiful future to fight for.

Leila,

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